A recent study commissioned by the Office of Student Life has concluded that everything on the Berkeley campus is uphill. "No matter where a student begins, his journey to any campus building will inevitably lead him up a steep incline," said the study's director, Dr. Eric Vinson. A typical humanities student's path will take him from the BART station to Valley Life Sciences Building, to Wheeler Hall, and then to Le Conte. Vinson warns that such constant, grueling hikes have a profound and daunting effect on morale. "Over four years, a Berkeley student may indeed develop the calves of a matador, but the negative reinforcement caused by always walking up a grade leads inevitably to depression and truancy."

Professor Falcone of the Physics Department denounced the study. "This is ridiculous pseudo-science. Unless UC Berkeley were built on a Mobius strip, there is simply no way that every campus building could be uphill from every other." He then left to deliver a lecture at the top of a rope suspended from the sky above Hearst Mining Circle.