Look, I'm sure you don't need a whole lot of convincing. We all know English is the linguistic top dog (not to be confused with the Linguica Top Dog). But just in case there's any confusion, here's how English stacks up against a few challengers.

English vs. Spanish

The reason why English is superior to Spanish is the element of surprise. In English, an exclamation point can sneak up on you; it is a dramatic, often unexpected ending to a sentence. In Spanish, that exciting conclusion is telegraphed. One sees the upside-down punctuation, and automatically, one anticipates the exciting conclusion at hand. When the right-side-up exclamation point arrives, it is but anticlimax.

 

English vs. French

Look, Frenchies, without us, you'd all be speaking German, OK?

 

English vs. Hawaiian

Hawaiian is ostensibly a very functional, useful language. In fact, the word "aloha" means both "hello" and "goodbye"! How magical that the same word can mean two totally opposite things! Of course, historically, that led to a few problems:

December, 1941 - Oahu

Lookout #1: Man, we sure lucked out being stationed here in Hawaii.
Lookout #2: You said it, mister. Hang on, we're getting a message. It says ma'iuauaua'liau'au.
Lookout #1: Ma'iuauaua'liau'au? What does that mean?
Lookout #2: According to my Hawaiian dictionary, it means "skies clear, no danger..."
Lookout #1: Great!
Lookout #2: ...or, "imminent Japanese sneak attack."
Lookout #1: That's bad. How do we know what they meant?
Lookout #2: Beats me. Don't worry about it - I'll get you another mai tai.
Lookout #1: Mahalo.

 

English vs. German:

Look, Krauts, without us, you'd all be speaking French. Well, you'd probably still be speaking German, but in France or England maybe. But, without the Romans and Visigoths, you'd all be speaking Hunnish, OK?

 

English vs. Old English:

When I was a freshman, my roommate's name was Yi. We didn't really get along. One day, when I was bitching to my friend about him, I said something like "Yi annoys the hell out of me." My witty friend shot back, "I understand you're annoyed, but why are you speaking in Old English?"

Anyway, choosing between English and Old English is kind of like choosing between accessing the internet through a cable modem or by yelling into a Dixie cup attaching to a string. Plus, when you're yelling into the Dixie cup, you have to pronounce every single consonant, since there are no silent letters. Also, it's the 11th century, so most of the online content is just Beowulf fan fiction anyway.

Final score: English, 5; Non-English, 0. USA! USA!