At a stump speech in El Paso, Texas earlier this week, Republican presidential hopeful John McCain expressed the difficulty in selecting a running mate, as his tenuous grasp on his own mortal coil makes the decision all the more important. “I don’t have long left,” stated McCain to a crowd of reassuringly denying supporters. “No, no, now, I’m being realistic about the situation. I don’t have long left and I’d like to, just once, have a good president succeed me after I’m gone. I can’t have Huckabee Jesusing everything up or Paul turning this country into the underwater dystopia from Bioshock.”

McCain could not be reached for comment, as shortly after the speech his saggy, creaking frame collapsed and breathed life no more.