Words From the Top
The Greatest Inventor
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Get your cocks out now boys, because otherwise you're going to need to change your underwear upon hearing my amazing, mindblowingly incredible idea.

Alright, you ready? Sex...with the mouth!

Okay, okay, everybody settle down. I mean it, shut up. Take your nuts out of your mouth and listen. I came up with this idea when I was at Starbucks and I saw a woman blowing on her latte. I said to myself, hey, "You could put your dick in that!"

Two hours later my dick was covered in coffee burns and I knew I had to go back to the drawing board.

That's when I saw a porcupine eating shards of glass.

Okay, fast-forward another two hours and a quick trip to the hospital.

Needless to say I learned my lesson and began work constructing a scale model of the penis for use in later tests. Then I saw my dog licking himself.

I began experimenting. A few of the legos fell off, but the penis seemed to be okay.

I ran as fast as I could to my girlfriend's place and explained my theory to her. She flat out told me it would never work, and even if it did, she'd probably get pregnant instantly. So I ate her out, then went home.

I figured I'd go talk it over with some of my friends, but they were all at Starbucks and for some reason I'm not allowed in there anymore. With few options left, I decided a field test was in order.

Let me just say, it worked, and it was incredible. It was totally worth it.

Simon Ganz
San Quentin Prison

Top Ten Signs You Might Have Pledged a Vampire Fraternity
  1. Bloody Marys are served suspiciously warm.
  2. Brothers avoid daylight whether or not last night was a kegger.
  3. All the brothers work out, but none have mirrors in their rooms.
  4. You're the only house that never shows up to a party uninvited.
  5. Pledge scavenger hunt just involves robbing Bay Area blood banks.
  6. Guys in coffins are sleeping, not masturbating.
  7. The house has a firm rule about never letting Wesley Snipes inside.
  8. Hell Week actually takes place in Hell.
  9. Big theme party is always "Immortal Bros and Neck-Bitten Hoes."
  10. Guys seemed nervous when you suggested "Steak Night."
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