| FLYOVER STATE (DS) - As the holiday shopping spree builds to a frenzy, tragedy struck at an Omaha shopping center where a deranged but well-meaning gunman killed nine and injured numerous others. The assassin, a 19 year old man recently fired from his job at McDonald's, set up a sniper's nest on the 3rd floor of a department store and fired indiscriminately into the crowded area. After killing some and wounding others, the shooter took his own life before the police could do so. Hours later it was revealed that the assailant, having gone mad with election coverage, killed himself and others in a desperate plea to slow the media focus on the election.
The Squelch's crack team of investigators stabbed a crack dealer before finding the assassin's suicide note. "I just can't take it anymore," he wrote, "because we're eleven fucking months out from this election and I can't buy a god damned cup of coffee without some shitburger asking me whether Edwards or Obama has the more fiscally appropriate plan for health care. Every time I try to buy a donut I get some jackoff asking me who would be tougher on abortion, Rudy or Romney. I know we're eager for a new President, and I know that the country is eager for a President that will have more of a legacy than invading a few countries and stuffing his pal's pockets with money, but I can NO LONGER TAKE IT. So enjoy this Omaha, enjoy these sparse few nights of local news coverage that focus on my horrible acts rather than focusing on what Mike Huckabee ate for lunch."
Omaha residents were unavailable for comment, each glued to their televisions sets in appreciation of the mindless slaughter's coverage, rather than another night of meaningless campaign footage aired in an attempt to paint the picture that the current administration is at all responsible to its electorate. |
