WOMB (DS) -- On Tuesday, two teams of researchers reported having reprogrammed human skin cells to act like the stem cells, which have the potential of morphing into other cells and thereby curing disease. Reaction to the news has been positive, but sharply divided between smart people and dumb people political groups.

"This proves my hypothesis that we don't need to sacrifice our humanity by murdering innocent stem cells for research purposes," enthused some Church Guy who wouldn't recognize a microscope if it crawled up his ass and examined his colon.

"Well more rationally the fact that other cells can be tricked into becoming stem cells suggests how arbitrary and foolish it was to think stem cells are somehow imbued with souls or special properties when really they're no different than the dried skin that comes off your ass every morning on the toilet seat or the semen and eggs your body disposes of naturally every month," explained someone who had gone to not-a-Christian college.

The researchers behind the breakthrough have stressed that their work would not have been possible without the embryonic stem cell research that came before it and argued aggressively not to misconstrue their results as meaning such research was no longer necessary. The White House then released the following press release: "We are very proud and happy to construe this amazing breakthrough as completely validating the President's anti-research agenda and will suggest that the Congress immediately suspend all embryonic stem cell research."