|ONLY ONE MORE YEAR, FOLKS (DS) -- As global investors consider the US dollar's weakness in the international market, President Bush held a press conference on the South Lawn this morning detailing his plan for economic revitalization. "Me and Dick, we were talkin' about money and stuff, and it's clear to me that other countries are to blame for our fiscalary unsolvency. So we've decided to take all our money back. They're our dollars, right? Says so right above the pictures of the old guys. So countries have 24 hours to round up all their US Dollars and bring them in big burlap sacks with dollar signs on them to their respective capital's airport. Countries that refuse will be obliterated," said Bush, before boarding Marine One and heading to Texas for another five month vacation.
Stunned reporters, questioning the legality of the plan, attempted to contact the Attorney General before remembering there isn't one. Legal counsel came from Andrew Mitchell, Dean of Georgetown Law. "Sure, come to Georgetown Law and ask me the ridiculous fucking question whether international extortion is legal," said Mitchell. "You know, take a good long look at me, because in 20 years my kind will be dead. Lawyers won't come from law schools, the title of 'lawyer' will be given out as a Sunday morning door prize at the 'Walt Disney and Friends Jesus Worship Center and Cafeteria' megachurch that's coming to a town near you," said Mitchell.
Congress was quick to approve an emergency measure authorizing $87 billion towards the plan, which in recent hours has been dubbed the Economic Reclamation Act, but is referred to informally as Operation Indian Giver. Said Senator Christopher Bond (R-MO), "This is an important step in bringing America back to the great power that it was, and will be again. It's also probably going to make my ForEx account soar through the roof!" Bond then high-fived fellow senators and tried to decide whether to exterior-plate his next mansion-yacht in gold or platinum.