|BEIJING (DS) - PetroChina, China's state-owned oil industry, was rated today at a net worth of over $1 trillion, twice that of closest competitor ExxonMobil. While the Communist-backed oil company has reached and surpassed its fiscal-year goals for the first time in its history, insiders say that the business is struggling in its pursuit of Evil. An anonymous representative inside PetroChina said, "Sure, we're hitting all the marks as far as the money goes, but we've got a long road ahead of us before we're even a tenth as Evil as our competitors."
Jim Cramer, of CNBC's "Mad Money," called the company a hollow shell of malice compared to the great monolith of Evil that the Western oil companies have become. "These guys at PetroChina are total amateurs, amateurs! Anyone can sell oil, but who can assassinate dignitaries, bisect religious movements, and start wars over the substance? PetroChina has a lot to learn from its older brothers in the industry. I'm downgrading their Evil Momentum from 'Bataan' to 'Nanking,'" Cramer said while sweating.
Despite the financial pressure faced domestically, Western oil companies have congratulated PetroChina on their recent successes. "I tell you what, they're doing a good job," said ExxonMobil Vice President for Occult Studies Bo "Skeet" Jemson. "Them chinamen, they're making money hand over fist, and they're finally starting to get it that oil isn't about profit, it's about the little ways in which you can ruin the world around you. But are we worried? Hell naw. We've got a long history that can't be beat when it comes to Evil. A history of corruption, collusion, and whatever word starts with a 'c' that means slave labor and occasional child prostitution."