SANITY (DS) -- Finally fulfilling their campaign pledges, Democrats appear ready to severely curtail broad eavesdropping powers won by the Bush administration earlier this year. In a bold and decisive congressional bill, Democrats today pledged to allow the eavesdropping to continue only "for ten more years" and only if "the President really, really cross-his-heart-and-hope-to-die promises not to abuse our absolute trust in him."
"It is not perfect, but it is still a good bill," said Democratic Representative Jerrold Nadler. "For instance, in the old bill, it says right here that the President and any of his friends can search homes, tap phones, rape children, perform executions, download copyrighted songs, and torture citizens all without applying for a warrant. Whereas in the new bill, before murdering anyone, the President will need approval from an executive oversight body consisting of Dick Cheney and a former girlfriend of his choosing."
"I think this is a really excellent compromise," said Democratic leader Nancy Pelosi as she went through her usual frisking on the House floor by Homeland Security officials. "He gets absolute authority to listen to people's telephone calls without a warrant, and in exchange he promises not to use spy satellites to broadcast years worth of sadomasochistic phone sex I've participated in. It's really win-win for everyone HEEEReE--". She was cut off by a comical grunt, indicating that the cavity search portion of her day had begun.
Some terrorists, excuse me, civil liberties advocates have questioned the "legal" rationale for the bill, calling it "a catastrophe," "an affront to civil government," and "who are you and what's on that rag you keep shoving in my fa... my fa....uh boy."