GREAT SATAN (DS) -- NY Officials have denied a request from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for an escort to the 9/11 Ground Zero site during his upcoming visit to the UN. But members of the controversial Arab leader's staff say that his intentions for the visit were purely peaceful, and that he only wanted to "solemnly place a wreath on the ground" and "maybe masturbate a few times while looking at a section of burnt concrete."

"This is truly an outrage," said Ahmadinejad in a live broadcast on Iranian television. "Once again we see the great hypocrisy of the West. All I seek is to show my respects for the dead, take a few snapshots, maybe jerk one out while playing a video of the attacks on my new iPod Touch, yet even these acts of peace become the sirens of war."

NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said that the visit was not denied on political grounds but rather out of concerns for the safety and security of those working on the site. "It just wouldn't be safe for such a prominent figure to be masturbating and cheering that loudly in a construction zone as specified in the plan Mr. Ahmadinejad's aides forwarded to us. And I can't begin to tell you all the problems the fireworks and giant birthday cake would've caused."

There were also apparently issues with the paperwork Iranian officials filed. Most of it was on out-of-date forms with all of the fields filled out with the name "Rudy Jewliani" and then winking smiley faces.

Though the request was quickly denied, it sparked outrage from both the Bush White House and Republican presidential nominees: Rudy Giuliani declared it "outrageous," Mitt Romney said it was "shocking," and Ron Paul called it "strangely arousing."