| IOWA (DS) – With health care one of the 2008 Presidential Election’s biggest issues, along with keeping gay immigrants from marrying each other, Senator Hillary Clinton has announced a bold plan to rescue the struggling pharmaceutical and insurance industries from disaster by requiring all citizens to purchase health insurance. "These industries have been living on the cusp of total financial ruin for years. We, as Americans, have a duty to uphold the rights of the small business," Clinton said in a press release.
The move comes not a moment too soon for the ailing industries. 2006 saw a record low profit year for the insurance industry, which was forced to accept clients with pre-existing medical conditions. "It was awful," Darren Jessup, an Accounts Manager for Blue Cross/Blue Shield said. "People called up asking for insurance coverage, and we had no choice but to give it to them. And even on the phone I could just tell they probably had cancer."
The pharmaceutical industry fared no better in 2006, but has high hopes for the next fiscal year if Clinton is elected to office. "At the rate we were losing money, who knows how long it would’ve taken us to go completely bankrupt. 400 years? 300 years? I just shudder at the thought," Sheryl Wilkins, VP of Public Relations for GlaxoSmithKline said, before popping a Shudderal, the prescription medication for the treatment of Sudden Shuddering Disorder. Shudderal’s side effects include profuse sweating, surprise bowel movements, and an unwavering faith in pharmaceutical companies to solve all your problems. Ask your doctor if Shudderal is right for you. Or your dog, or your kids, or whoever. |
