ERRAQ (DS) -- An independent security contractor has been ordered to leave Iraq after a skirmish earlier in the week left eight civilians dead, but Iraqi and US officials have been unable to sever their ties to the company involved. Blackwater Security, an independent contractor, gave the US an estimate suggesting they'd be able to complete the Iraq war in "2 months, tops," but four years later, the war is still going on.

"Look," explained lead contractor Lou Girelli as he hiked up his overalls and put a cigarette out on an embassy desk, "I knows we're a little behind schedule, but we got some parts comin' in on the fifteenth and that's gonna get all this shit right as rain." Blackwater was hired by the US four years ago after they were recommended by a friend who had used them to build his porch, but the project is now nearly 300 billion dollars over budget with no end in sight.

In an awkward, tense meeting, US and Iraqi officials expressed their frustrations to the contractor. "Listen Lou, you killed eight people and--" started Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice before being cut off by Mr. Girelli's cellphone. Mr. Girelli then answered the phone, making no effort to disguise the fact that the phone call was clearly about another job. "My boys can handle that, and they'll do it cheap too. They're dominican or some shit. Hey quim-quam or whatever the fuck your name is, go liberate this guy's village!"

Though Rice and the Iraqi Foreign Minister had planned to fire Mr. Girelli, he convinced them to give him two more weeks, promising to not only get the job done but to give them a 20% discount off any future wars with Iran.

"Okay, see, this is your problem right here," Girelli continued, pointing to several local Iraqis. "We ain't got the right framework for a job this size, we's lacking, uhhh, whatchacallit, national unifying forces strong enough to overpower long-standing factionalism." He then spit and suggested he might be able to find the necessary societal forces in his truck.