SEPTEMBER 12th, 2007

<- 09/11/07 | 09/13/07 ->
he didn't say HOW he'd bring them home
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President Pledges to Reduce Troop Count

WASHINGTON (DS) -- On Thursday President Bush will announce plans to reduce the American troop count in Iraq dramatically by next summer, and in a huge gala on the White House lawn he was proud to celebrate that there are already 32 fewer US troops in Iraq this month with probably 50 more coming home before the month is done.

"We've been doing and will continue to do an excellent job as far as I know," the President said to a cheering crowd as the names of the 32 lucky soldiers were tearfully announced. Details about the plan have been sketchy, but the White House claims that since the war began over 3,700 US troops are dead no longer in Iraq, with 84 soldiers killed "reduced" in August alone. "Congress can continue to point fingers, but the fact is we've been bringing our boys home every month of this conflict, sometimes nearly two hundred at a time and all on the same cargo plane, and we're pretty happy about that," explained a sober General Petraeus.

"Oh yeah, they'll definitely be fewer troops. About 2.5 fewer a day," laughed suggested outgoing press secretary Tony Snow. The White House said it could not disclose exactly how it arrived at that figure, and Snow was unable to elaborate further because he was busy coughing up bile spending time with his family.

Asked what they planned to do upon returning home, the 32 US soldiers lay perfectly still inside full-length heavy-plastic bags napped. White House officials assured reporters on hand that they were just jet-lagged and would be up for phone interviews later.

The Daily Squelch would like to thank guest editor Deputy White House Press Secretary Dana Perino for her help with this report.
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