Washington (DS) -- Amid a gala celebration at the nation's capitol, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez announced today that he would be resigning due to "unparalleled, unimaginable success." With the thanks of a grateful nation and while the majestic Blue Angels soared overhead, Gonzalez received the Congressional Medal of Freedom for his role in eliminating all injustice nationwide and thus making his position no longer necessary.

"You know, when I took over the Department of Justice just a few years ago, I didn't even know what an Attorney Colonel was, but apparently, I'm really awesome at it," said Gonzalez to a room packed with cheering White House staffers. "Really, I'm as surprised as all of you. There were a couple of months there I couldn't find my office."

President Bush informed Gonzalez in a private meeting earlier in the week that he would be resigning and congratulated him on conquering one of society's greatest problems dating back to the times of Plato and Ronald Reagan. Oddly enough, the White House will be retaining the now vestigial Department of Justice and will even seek to find a new Attorney General, though White House officials stressed that the position would only be honorific. Asked for comment about the resignation, Democrats' eyes rolled up into the back of their heads and they fell to the floor and began spasming.