|GUESS WHERE (DS) -- The South Carolina Republican Party announced today that in order to maintain its proud tradition of being the first southern state to vote in each election, it will be moving its primary election to August 9th, 2006, otherwise known as last year. All 10 Republican candidates are now scrambling to build time machines using their campaign war chests, except for John McCain who will attempt to save his limited funds by traveling into the past using some sort of Native American dream ritual, or perhaps by waiting for another candidate to develop a time machine and then stealing that one. Reactions to the change have been mixed. |
"Look, for some reason the Republican candidates just aren't lavishing the 24th largest state in the union with constant attention fifteen months before the general election like the founding fathers obviously intended," complained state GOP chairman Katon Dawson. "We see this as simply returning balance to the constitutional system, as well as a way to say 'Fuck you Florida. SUCK. ON. IT. Suck on it long and suck on it hard.'" Mr. Dawson then gestured to illustrate his point.
The move has thrown other primary states and the space-time continuum into turmoil. New Hampshire state law demands that its primary be the first in the nation by at least a week, meaning its primary will now be held a year and one week ago. Both moves have unfortunately made it very difficult to tell who has in fact won these extra early races. Most voters polled by our Daily Squelch/ Zogby Insta-Poll claimed to have no idea who they voted for in either primary or what the hell we were talking about, but 28% claim to have voted for Mitt Romney and another 22% claim to have voted for former mayor Rudy Giuliani (NOTE: If one of the Republicans completes his time machine this poll will have a possible error margin of plus or minus 100%).
As the only candidate to already own a time machine, Republican Ron Paul was considered to be an early favorite, but results released by the South Carolina GOP have put him at around 0%.