|The White House and Republican lawmakers today hailed new numbers stating that last month was the lowest US death toll in Iraq in nearly a year. Officials credited these new statistics to both the troop surge and a bold new strategy being implemented by US soldiers: staying the fuck on the army base. |
Having refused to support a withdrawal but faced with unacceptable US losses, the Pentagon unveiled the new plan in a series of secret briefings across Baghdad earlier this week. Previously, in what officials are now admitting was a flawed plan, US troops had tried to patrol Baghdad and other important Iraqi cities, attempting to prevent terrorist attacks and serving as a buffer for the fledgling Iraqi government. Now, US troops will stay the fuck on the army base and will refrain from interacting with Iraqi officials, terrorists, or citizens in anyway. The ensuing reduced death toll has led to what conservative pundits and devoted soldiers are calling "an immediate, perfect victory, comparable perhaps only to the Battle of Agincourt."
"Why didn't we think of this before?" wondered Sgt. Kennedy Farr, whose post was recently moved from the heart of Baghdad city's Sunni district to the Xbox hut in the US Army base in Babil province. "Now my biggest problem is the 30 minute line in front of the Wii and-- hey, was that an explosion in the distance? Ehh, it was probably just Gears of War."
In other news, the Sunnis pulled out of the Iraqi government, the Prime Minister refuses to share oil revenues, and a truck bomb killed 150 in what Iraqis are calling the deadliest month of the war since the year began.
"I knew pulling out wasn't the answer!" cheered Pvt. First Class Hector Alvarez as Sunni and Shiite mobs butchered each other with Iran-supplied weapons in pitched battles a few dozen feet away from the green zone.