WASHINGTON DC (DS) -- A day after his dramatic and incoherent speech in favor of staying in Iraq, President Bush was informed today that he has precious few opportunities left to make his presidency a neutral force in history, let alone make it a success.

An all-star team of national historians has concluded that Bush's speech and the many tortured analogies it featured have pushed his presidency into a near mythic realm. "You see, we're down here," said Professor James Murtaugh as he pointed to the bottom of a chart of cartoon presidents for Mr. Bush's benefit. "If we're gonna get you up here, to say, I dunno, Taft, you're gonna need to cure cancer. And maybe herpes. Herpes wouldn't hurt."

Mr. Bush then nodded and asked if there was some way that funneling money to oil companies could cure cancer. Professor Murtaugh then said something important and banged his fist against the chart for emphasis, but Bush couldn't remember what he said so he called it a half day and went to bed.