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LeVar Burton Has No Friends
LeVar Burton is a lonely, lonely man. For years, I watched him enrich the lives and minds of young and old alike as host of Reading Rainbow. He traveled to the farthest reaches of fantasy and brought imagination along with him. He always talked kindly and hopefully with the guests, but I could see that they never took him into their hearts. They probably only knew him as the black book fag. But LeVar is so much more than that.
Restroom Etiquette
Dear Mr. Rothenberg,
It has come to our understanding that, unlike many males your age, you were raised by a pack of wolves. Unfortunately, at this late age you've never learned the proper etiquette for certain 'masculine-only' institutions. It's possible you've learned that a proper male always sits with his legs primly wide open, so that the crotch can breathe. And that to acknowledge passed gas, the hand is raised halfway, then a little nod is given.
Tips For Time Travelers
Here at the dawn of a new millennium, it is interesting to contemplate the many changes technology may bring us and to plan ahead. Therefore, I present to you my Tips for Time Travelers.
Always keep an almanac While it can tell you a lot about what kind of weather to expect, its main use will be in predicting solar eclipses. This can be used to frighten superstitious townspeople.
Words From the Top
Difficult Boiled
Unlike others who assume the position of Editor-In-Chief of the Heuristic Squelch just for the bragging rights, or for the throngs of cute fans, or even for the opportunity to undermine the revolution, I have a larger goal in mind: Total Media Presence. My goal is to be mentioned in every possible Berkeley publication. I have been featuered in the Squelch, The Satellite, KALX, The Scoop, and even the The Daily Californian.
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