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American Anecdotes
Now I'm sure you're thinking "Here I am. America: Land of Opportunity." And that's fine. Go on thinking that, in your flashy Atlantic City sharkskin suits, with your pearly white teeth and shiny Pontiac Sunfires. But say you're thinking that, and you're walking down the street whistling and smiling about America and a gang of street toughs come by and kick you in the shins and punch you in the face 'til you're nothing but a bloodied, smiling idiot on the sidewalk.
Frequently Asked Questions: Berkeley
As a new student at Berkeley, you no doubt have a lot of questions. But
exactly what questions should you have? These questions.
Q: What does Berkeley have to offer me? A: A top notch education, Hot Tubs at University and MLK, social anxiety disorder, gonorrhea, creative facial hair, gratuitous genital piercings, and the finest cooperative employee-owned sex shop in the West. Q: Sweet.
Clippit Goes to Work
In a small office on the 42nd floor of the Chrysler Building,
a paper clip standing 3 feet 7 inches walks in. He has two round googly eyes
and floating eyebrows. He's walking on a piece of magical floating paper.
I'm not even sure if we can call it walking. He's a paper clip
and has no legs. A bald man with glasses, a bead of sweat on the side of
his head, wearing a gentleman's shirt, tie, and suspenders meticulously
shuffles through papers while sitting at his desk.
Road Trip? ...More like RAD trip!
I couldn't believe it when my friend Josh told me that a greedy developer
had bought his parents' shopping center and was about to tear it down
to build lavish new low-income housing. We needed to raise a bunch of money,
but fast. And we're not talking chump change, like that time I robbed
Fort Knox last week. Luckily, Josh's uncle had an "in" with
the state lottery in Minnesota, where the jackpot had ballooned to over
seventy-eight thousand dollars.
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