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My Cell Phone is Cooler Than You
So you think you're pretty chic with your nicely pressed shirt, cyclopto-strapped backpack and Supercut. You've got your friends, your style, your "popularity." But let me let you in on a little secret, my friend: my cell phone is cooler than you.
Your frictionless social interaction earns you many an acquaintance, I'm sure. But the svelte image with which you mask yourself is as transparent as my genuine leather, hip-mounted carrying case's glare-reducing window.
Punctuation Guide
One exclamation point indicates seriousness, excitement, and urgency. Two exclamation points indicate sarcastic seriousness, mock excitement, or an ironic lack of urgency. Use three exclamation points and you've reached a level of grammatical hysteria usually reserved for naive children's letters to Santa or ISO posters.
Unless you're an English major, like me, you probably have no idea what the correct use of a semicolon is.
Dear Fellow Activist,
I had always considered myself an ethical human being, the sort that when faced with a dilemma would find the most responsible solution to the problem. However, not until April 11, 2002, did I discover the errors of my ways, thanks to you. You see, I was walking through Sproul Plaza, late for class as usual, when I glanced over my shoulder and saw you standing upon the steps like a messiah upon a radiant mount.
Words from the Top
All Hail Team Male
Waking up in the morning to the sturm und drang of my own testicular power, I'm invigorated by a sense of belonging, the joy of being a part of a group. But not an ordinary group of friends with insignficant relationships, my group is far superior. I am a proud member of Team Male, only the greatest group to ever grace this planet. As such, I enjoy a deep kinship and alliance with my fellow males the world over, regardless of species.
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Top Ten Reasons It's My Party and I'll Cry if I Want To
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