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O-Chem: Erotica
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I've had enough of all this war-mongering scientific rhetoric. After countless science lectures, I now see the blatant attempts to mask the eroticism inherently existing on the micro scale. Rather than expose our minds to the naked truth of molecules performing lewd and sexual acts, professors use barbaric language designed to train young minds to become lean, mean, asexual-fighting-machines. How often have we heard the words "the nucleophile attacks the electrophile kicking of the leaving group?"

Tricks to Play on People
That are Sure to Make You a Popular Guy
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  • Find a group of people willing to smoke out with you in a dimly lit room. Force the rotation till everyone has taken at least six or seven puffs. Go to the bathroom, and pour water all over your crotch. Walk back out, look really depressed and clam up, and see if anyone says anything.

  • Gain a lot of weight. Then find a job at a Long John Silver's. Cleverly fry a rat and wrap it.
The Science Of Linguistics
An Elementary Introduction
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People GÇô common folk, I mean GÇô often approach me and say to me, "Dashing Rogue Linguist, we are intrigued by you and your fair science of Linguistics GÇô comely Phonology, ravishing Morphology, and even gangly Syntax GÇô but we do not fathom it at all. We are stupid GÇô this we know GÇô but still we cannot help but wonder ... could you find it in your heart of hearts to teach us the Way of the Word?"
Words from the Top
Apolitical Commentary
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Recently, some people have complained about the political content, or lack thereof, in our fine humor magazine. "Hey The Heuristic Squelch," they write, "why so little election coverage?" The simple answer is that we just don't care very much. Neither Gore or Bush would be a great president, but they also probably wouldn't screw things up too badly either, though I can't shake the feeling that Bush's election would be the political equivalent of a PE teacher being promoted to principal.
Additional Features
Getting Acquainted with London A World Where All Men Are Named Sean Keane
The Duck Hunt Conundrum
NewsFlashes
Cookie Crisp Burglary Ends In Tragedy Pan Appeals To Campus Leftists
Carefully Planned Answering Machine Message Goes Horribly Awry Candidates Debate Real Issues
Chad Voted Most Popular West African Nation Congress Declares Thumb War
Student Heartbroken After Impersonal Non-Rejection Och, Me Head!
Homeless Man Conducts Unintentional Hunger Strike
Graphics
Back of Squelch Cereal Box There's No Wrong Way to Eat a Rhesus
A Brief Chronicle History of Writer's Block
Squelch Cereal

Vol. 10 Iss. 2
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Top Ten Least Effective Ways To Raise A Child
  1. By the back of your hand
  2. In a pack of wild wolves
  3. Vegan
  4. Send 40¢ a month
  5. Crop rotation
  6. With lies and manipulation
  7. In a loving, caring household that murders children
  8. By the ears
  9. The pull-out method
  10. Break his feet and leave him in the mountains
More Lists
Update your bathroom vanities in your first home to make your bathroom look brand new!
Search for Trade Show Displays on Conventions.net.
Custom coffee mugs are a great way to commemorate student organizations that you are a part of for years to come.
UC Berkeley students can use promotional products such as promotional tote bags and promotional pens to show their school spirit. Show your school spirit with custom journals and promotional polo shirts branded with your school name or logo. UC Berkeley students use personalized water bottles for school sports and club programs. For an inexpensive way to promote your school organization hand out personalized pencils.