New Meeting Room!

Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.

8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great calls the meeting to order and reads the Association Overview: “Millennia ago, I became history’s first real and true alcoholic.

In a press conference this Thursday, UC Regent Robert Sullivan admitted to a rash of teary nights atop his satin sheets inside his retro spaceship house. The unprecedented raises in tuition have taken a heavy toll, the Regent said.

“It was wrong to take so much money from the little people,” Sullivan said. “I’ve tried to distract my sorrow by expanding my collection of gold bars covered in diamonds, but it’s just not working.”

CNN is facing steep consequences this week for airing a report which failed to meet the FCC’s mandatory Muslim otherness requirement.  During a ten-minute piece on the opening of a halal butcher shop, New York resident and practicing Muslim Mohammed Amman Hassan was shown engaging in completely average activities, including paying bills and selling meats in his new shop.  In flagrant

Controversial anthropologist George Burris released a new study Friday on the appearance of prehistoric man, advancing a theory that runs counter to Dr. Robert Figerman’s previous anthropological claim that “a Neanderthal dressed in a coat and fedora would be indistinguishable from modern man.” Burris’s report counters that it would not blend in because it would look like a complete douchebag.

“Look,” said Dr.

In response to recent allegations concerning the sources of an already-dwindling food supply, the Soylent Corporation has released a statement refuting “the heinous claims besmirching our fine and delicious product.”

At the center of the controversy is Soylent Green, the latest addition to the Soylent Co. food-like product family, with an ingredient list that includes a high-energy aquatic plankton, Green No.

After a semester of Ethnomusicology 50AC, freshman Bill Muller reports himself conclusively free of all forms of racism, sexism, classism, midgetism, and an entire spectrum of more exotic prejudices. Muller, a Sigma Phi Nu pledge and Business Administration major, says that his outlook will never be the same thanks to the three-unit pass/fail class.

"Originally I just signed up because I thought I could get an easy A for, like, listening to African drums," said Muller.