Latest Issue!
Bear Attack

Vol. 24.0 Iss. 1.0

Available as PDF!
Top Five Childhood Diseases
  1. Hepatitis ABC's
  2. Chicken Pox Nuggets
  3. Rababies
  4. Jimminy Rickets
  5. Clifford the Big Red Sore

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Scholarship Station
Lesser-Known Berkeley Scholarships
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We at the Heuristic Squelch know that the last thing you want to think about is money, but these obscure campus scholarships might be your only chance to graduate without a second mortgage on your kidneys.

Ahmadinejad Calls for Gay Immigration to Iran
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Blasted for his recent assertion that “in Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country,” Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad attempted to clarify the nature of his comments in a press conference on Tuesday.

“It was a cry for help!” he sobbed. “Please give us gay people!”

Ahmadinejad then proceeded to enumerate the reasons why his country is suffering from its dearth of boys who like boys.

Remaining Flower Children to Raise Price of Free Love
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During an emergency meeting on Tuesday, the members of the Berkeley chapter of the Sixties Counter-Cultural Preservation Society announced a hike in the price of unrestrained sexual experimentation.

“It’s to be expected, man,” said red-eyed hippie economist Alfred Thundermoth, nodding sagely and stroking his yellowing beard. “Just look at the fluctuating lines on this graph of Birkenstock Prices that I just drew on the back of a napkin.

Palestinian Militants Seize Aladdin's Lamp
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The Palestinian nationalist group Hamas recently announced that their January breach of the Egyptian border at Gaza was not for “food” and “supplies,” but instead for the lamp containing the Genie from Disney’s Aladdin. After a pitched battle with Egyptian soldiers bearing Kalashnikovs and scimitars, Hamas managed to obtain the lamp and carry it deep into their own territory.

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