Latest Issue!
Ransom Note

Vol. 24.0 Iss. 4.0

Available as PDF!
Top Ten Things That Make You Cry
  1. Chopping onions
  2. Slicing onions
  3. Dicing onions
  4. When you tripped on an onion and hurt your head
  5. Seeing your onion with another chef
  6. When your pet onion dies
  7. Seeing red and green onions living in harmony
  8. When you remember the Great Onion Genocide
  9. When your onion goes into a coma and becomes a vegetable
  10. Seeing the first Onion-American baseball player hitting a home run

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The Truth About the Future
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In the 1980’s, no doubt you imagined that the year 2000 would be filled with futuristic Jetsonesque wonders like flying cars, moving floors, and equality in the workplace. Oh, how very wrong you were. We at the Squelch are here to confirm or debunk the fantasies you have about the future, because we believe our readers deserve to hear the cold straight truth. And also because we enjoy crushing your stupid, stupid dreams.

New Poll Reveals Californians Consider Themselves Next Step in Human Evolution
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A recent poll by the California Department of Mental Health show many Californians believe that they represent the future of man-kind. In fact, more than 30 percent of those polled were surprised by their lack of superhuman powers such as flight and telekinesis.

"The reason we're better than everybody else," said Neil Everett, assistant manager of Chipotle Mexican Grill and native Californian, "is because, like, we're more forward thinking than most states.
Lonely Scientists Make Advance in Artificial Intelligence
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Excitement overtook Soda Hall this weekend when the Team for Practical Artificial Intelligence Systems announced that they were ready for the beta-testing stages of their new Robotic Female College-Student Emulator, or R.F.C.S.E. The team has been working diligently for over a year, and claim that their new model will revolutionize the social experiences of countless Engineering students by allowing them to speak to a girl for the first time.
Local Man Wins Lottery, Nothing Goes Wrong
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Last month, Berkeley resident Mark Halloway won the California Mega-Millions lottery jackpot of 47 million dollars. Sources have confirmed that, contrary to the popular aphorism, he is now happier than ever before.

"Everybody always says that money can't buy you happiness," said Mr. Halloway from his newly purchased pleasure-yacht, "but it turns out that the only people who say that are poor.
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