Latest Issue!
Ransom Note

Vol. 24.0 Iss. 4.0

Available as PDF!
Top Ten Things That Make You Cry
  1. Chopping onions
  2. Slicing onions
  3. Dicing onions
  4. When you tripped on an onion and hurt your head
  5. Seeing your onion with another chef
  6. When your pet onion dies
  7. Seeing red and green onions living in harmony
  8. When you remember the Great Onion Genocide
  9. When your onion goes into a coma and becomes a vegetable
  10. Seeing the first Onion-American baseball player hitting a home run

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Celebrities: They're Better than Us!
Brought to you by Us Weekly
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UPDATE! Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have been spotted eating lunch together. Sources report they’re planning to teach us all to love again.

New Sports Store to Open in Plaza; Locals Amused
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News of a Dick's Sporting Goods opening in Anderson Central Plaza was greeted with snickers and giggles from the citizens of the East Oregon community.

"I'm sure they put a lot of thought into the process before erecting their Dick's here," local sportsman David Cannon said, while his wife choked back laughter. "I know planting a Dick's is a big deal, especially in a town like ours that's already so tight with sports stores.

Southside Terrorized By Serial Pillager
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The Berkeley Police Department has announced that there is a serial pillager on the loose in the Southside area. Victims say the pillager "rides a horse," is "about 6'4", dirty, with a long, heavy sword and big boots," and resembles "a Viking." An officer said that the serial pillager has not been apprehended, and that students should immediately call 911 if they see any suspicious characters riding on horseback with sword in hand.

Students Plan Protest for Department of Pornography
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Berkeley Students Fighting For a Department of Pornography By Any Means Necessary is planning a sit-in on Sproul Plaza next week, says President Arthur Roerbacher. The group has been waging war with campus administrators and the Board of Regents for over a year in their struggle to establish a Department of Pornography. Such a department would be the first of its kind at any college or university in the United States.
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