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Top Ten Worst Suicide Attempts
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New Meeting Room!Come to Meetings of the Heuristic Squelch Wednesdays, 7PM at 262 Dwinelle! Also, remember to read The Sqlog!
NecronomiCon
Welcome to the 2007 NecronomiCon, the premier trade event for evil wizards. You can pick up your name tags at the registration table, located in the heart of the Obsidian Monolith on the Island of Forgotten Souls on the Lake of Eternal Fire which is guarded by the eight-headed Thunder Sphinx whose true name is a thousand whispered secrets. Hand stamps will be required for re-entry.
Student Unable to Comply with Parent's Request
Sophomore William Hammersmith's father was dismayed to learn yesterday that his son would be unable to "spend a semester flipping
burgers if you want a car," because he is too un-Mexican.
"I'm a white male aged 18 to 35 GÇô I can't even get hired as a waiter," Hammersmith lamented. "I looked all over and there was only one job I could get." Hammersmith then excused himself to dictate a memo to his executive assistant and put a down payment on a houseboat in Sausalito.
Bee and Allergic Man Killed in Murder-suicide Pact
According to police, it was probably an ongoing relationship of an "intimate and bestial/insectoid nature" between a common honeybee and a Mr. Darrel Motts that led to the deaths of both earlier this week.
"We believe that the frustration of their sexually deviant union built until they both were driven into a desperate madness of some sort. Motts probably talked the bee into penetrating his flesh, thus injecting him with the sweet venom of her lower thorax.
Middle America Continues to Scald Self
Despite repeated warnings from the East and West Coasts, middle America repeatedly grabbed a piping-hot pot of boiling water on the kitchen stove last Thursday.
"Ouch...*sizzle*...ahhh!" said Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Wyoming, and Texas. "Ffffft...ooooch!" later added Nebraska, South Dakota, and Iowa. |
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