Latest Issue!
Bear Attack

Vol. 24.0 Iss. 1.0

Available as PDF!
Top Five Morally Ambiguous Acts
  1. Aborting Hitler
  2. Killing an anti-Pope
  3. Reading to deaf people
  4. Buying a Toyota Prius and using the gas you saved to burn forests
  5. Cheating on your ugly girlfriend

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Words from the Top
Some Ideas Are Not Very Good
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Believe it or not, not everything submitted to the Squelch is a winner. If you haven’t noticed (because you’re not a writer or dedicated stalker), all of our submission information is on the bottom left corner of the opposite page.

Rescued Chilean Miners Can Finally Return to Poverty
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This weekend, after ten weeks trapped underground, 33 Chilean miners were finally brought back to the surface, and to the crushing destitution of being a Chilean miner.

Berkeley Scientists Successfully Synthesize Nothing
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In a press conference last Tuesday, scientists from the Yu-Kavinsky Research Group at UC Berkeley announced that they have successfully created nothing. The research lasted six years and required several million dollars of university funds.

UN Responds to Midlife Crisis
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A United Nations humanitarian mission has been deployed to rescue the psyche of Berkeley resident Jim Larsen, after a Saturday midlife crisis devastated his sense of self-worth.

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