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Charlotte's Web

Vol. 24.0 Iss. 3.0

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Top Ten Dog Pickup Lines
  1. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I ordered the hot dog.
  2. Girl, you put the "wow" in "bow wow!"
  3. Who's a good doggie?! Who's a good doggie?! Guess what. It's you, girl.
  4. Ay baby, wanna help me bury my bone?
  5. Are you my master's leg? Cause I want to hump you vigorously for 45 seconds.
  6. What's your sign? Mine's "beware of dog."
  7. Do I smell dog feces and urine on you? Because you've been rolling around in my mind all day.
  8. You make me wish I hadn't been neutered.
  9. [furious panting]
  10. I just threw up! Wanna see?

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An Introduction to Boozes for the New College Man
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Welcome to Cal. By this time, thanks to the massive spiritual coming-together of 18 year-olds freed for the first time in a new city and kegs of Natural Ice freed to flow once again from their summer hiatus in retched-beer oblivion, you've all had your initial opportunities to get your feet and silk boxers (you rich Orange County sons of bitches!) wet in experimenting with alcohol.

Beer aside

American Cultues Class Enlightens Area Freshman
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After a semester of Ethnomusicology 50AC, freshman Bill Muller reports himself conclusively free of all forms of racism, sexism, classism, midgetism, and an entire spectrum of more exotic prejudices. Muller, a Sigma Phi Nu pledge and Business Administration major, says that his outlook will never be the same thanks to the three-unit pass/fail class.

"Originally I just signed up because I thought I could get an easy A for, like, listening to African drums," said Muller.

Girl Buys Single-Strap Bag to Make Boobs More Defined
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After months of internal debate, freshman Julia Anderson was ecstatic with her purchase of a simple, casual purse last Friday. "I can put the strap over my shoulder…right here," she said as she positioned the strap, "So you can see the overly-defined outlines of each boob!"

"Plus," Anderson continued, "I rediscovered bunched up tissues. Now I can really 'water the melons,' if you know what I mean," she awkwardly euphemized.

English Language Snaps, Mauls Professor
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Tragedy struck 225 Wheeler today as the English language was finally pushed to the breaking point.

“It started as just a normal class,” sobbed junior Erica Lavery. “Professor Browning started by discussing the concept of suspension of disbelief with regard to us someday getting a job, and later proceeded to analyze the postmodern meta-intellectualism found in the

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