Top Ten Things That Make You Cry
  1. Chopping onions
  2. Slicing onions
  3. Dicing onions
  4. When you tripped on an onion and hurt your head
  5. Seeing your onion with another chef
  6. When your pet onion dies
  7. Seeing red and green onions living in harmony
  8. When you remember the Great Onion Genocide
  9. When your onion goes into a coma and becomes a vegetable
  10. Seeing the first Onion-American baseball player hitting a home run

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The Heuristic Squelch meets Mondays at 5pm in 201 Wheeler!

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Minutes of the Drunk Illuminati
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Present: Alexander the Great, Edgar Allan Poe, Ernest Hemingway, Ulysses S. Grant, John Wayne, Dean Martin, Senator Joseph McCarthy, Jackson Pollock, Jimi Hendrix, Joseph Stalin, Winston Churchill, Jim Morrison, Jack Kerouac, Elvis Presley.

8:02 Opening beers distributed. Alexander the Great calls the meeting to order and reads the Association Overview: “Millennia ago, I became history’s first real and true alcoholic.

Local Man Wins Lottery, Nothing Goes Wrong
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Last month, Berkeley resident Mark Halloway won the California Mega-Millions lottery jackpot of 47 million dollars. Sources have confirmed that, contrary to the popular aphorism, he is now happier than ever before.

"Everybody always says that money can't buy you happiness," said Mr. Halloway from his newly purchased pleasure-yacht, "but it turns out that the only people who say that are poor.
Congress Overturns Law of Cause and Effect
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    In a move that has shocked logicians and scientists alike, Congress has passed a ruling overturning the law of cause and effect.

Freshman Trades Sense of Identity with School Spirit
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Last Tuesday, freshman Corey S. O’Malley successfully replaced the last vestiges

Huge selection of leather sofas and sectionals. Student discounts and always free shipping available.
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