Come to meetings!

Male Stand-up: The other night, I was at my girlfriend's place, and she was putting on make-up for hours - it took her forever to get ready.

Female Stand-up: Don't you hate it when your boyfriend is drinking beer and then fart not lift up toilet seat not emotion game watching?

Male: And I thought getting married was going to mean more sex, but really it's like oh honey sorry no-steak on penis never-say-that-again my shit smells bad…

On Monday morning, the National Stacy Association (NSA) released a formal statement denouncing critically lauded pop group Fountains of Wayne for "gross recklessness and utter lack of consideration."

"As America's largest lobby of girls named Stacy, we knew we had to take this on," said NSA president Stacy Chen. "Fountains of Wayne knew that this song, with its bouncy guitar hooks, catchy chorus, and 3-minute-18-second running time, would become a massive hit.

The international world was shocked last week by the surprise return of Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome, or SARS, in the same region of China where the original outbreak took place.

"I thought that we had seen the last of SARS, but it looks like SARS is back and ready to rock," said senior World Health Organization official and E! Entertainment Network host Brooke Burke. "After its monster world tour in early 2003, SARS burned out and dropped off the map.

American Studies majors from across the country gathered in DC yesterday to argue for the US to "liberate Cancun."

"With Cancun in the US we could do so much studying," said Junior Mark Chard, "I can just see myself on the beach, drinking a margarita, studying the newest part of the good old US of A."

Senior Mike Reed concurred, "Cancun begs to be part of the US, so we American Studies majors can do a thorough investigation of where to get the cheapest pitchers and find the best girl-watching spots.