Top Ten Things That Make You Cry
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Online Dating for the Modern Molecule
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Garden State Soundtrack Gets Local Man Laid
Josh Newbin, a Berkeley junior, got laid last night solely because of the Garden State soundtrack. The album, featuring soul-wrenching songs from such artists as The Shins and Frou Frou, is known to give those listening to it an aura of intellectual indieness that many find appealing. It is also known to make panties drop.
"My game usually falls apart once I get girls back to my apartment," Newbin noted, "but now I just put on 'In the Waiting Line,' say something deep about life and destiny, and let the good times roll."
Pirates of the Caribbean Party Results in No Booty
Jeremy Stout, a fifth-year mass communications major, has finally decided to depledge from fraternity Alpha Alpha Alpha after not getting any action at their "Pirates of the Caribbean" party last Friday.
For the party, AAA hired DJ Chentastic, who spun uncomfortably high-pitched trance music while two overweight sorority girls danced in a poorly-designed stripper cage. They were the only two girls
Band's Death Leads Baltic Region to War
Freshman Kyle Watkins sat up suddenly in history class today, stunned to learn that world war had broken out over the death of hot new rock group Franz Ferdinand.
"Shit, I didn't even know they were from Austria," he explained.