Latest Issue!
Bear Attack

Vol. 24.0 Iss. 1.0

Available as PDF!
Top Ten Literary Animals
  1. J.R.R. Toucan
  2. David Foster Walrus
  3. Ernest Lemmingway
  4. William Falconer
  5. Emile Zebra
  6. Thomas Python
  7. Flannery O'Condor
  8. William S Burrowing Owls
  9. Woodchuck Pahalniuk
  10. Kurt Vonnegoat

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William Henry Harrison: American Gentleman
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Narrator: Most Americans are only familiar with the presidency of William Henry Harrison because of its morbid trivia, namely that it was cut short by death after a mere 32 days in office. What is all too often left unsaid is the dire importance of these 32 days in American history. Despite his brief presidency, William Henry Harrison's headstrong nature blazed a new trail for future American presidents to follow.
Deaf-mute Goes Over Cell Phone Minutes
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For the fourth consecutive month, eight hundred anytime minutes with free calling after nine and on weekends proved too minuscule a plan for deaf-mute Keith Bagley's gregarious lifestyle.

Though Keith cannot talk or hear, he still spends much of his free time pushing the cell phone's buttons, throwing the phone to the ground, and kicking it up and down the street.

Keith's mother, Meredith

Jim Caviezel Asks for It
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According to Internet rumor mills, renowned film star Jim Caviezel is in negotiations to play the title role in Warner Brothers' upcoming Superman Returns. Caviezel, who also played the title role in Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ, is looking forward to being the only actor in Hollywood to have portrayed both Jesus and Superman in the span of a career.

"My dick is SO HUGE!"

Veteran Weeps Uncontrollably
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The fragile remains of local auto mechanic and Vietnam veteran Jacob Renwood's feeble grasp on reality disintegrated Thursday night during a commercial for a Vietnam-themed video game. "It brought me back," sobbed Renwood, lamenting his lost youth, "you know, to the suffering."

The game's designers, who describe the game as "pretty realistic," spared no expense in recreating the actual experience of being a foot soldier in Vietnam. "We aimed to create a battle simulator that was like life," said designer Karl Smarts, standing in a pool of veteran tears, "mission: accomplished."

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