Read The Squelch Blog!

It happens to even the most careful and health-conscious students: you stay up too late studying for your Ornithology midterm, or pass out at Phi Kappa Emu. And the next morning, you wake up with a single unusually large avian limb emerging from just under your shoulder blade.

Don’t worry: at some point, one in five students will sin against the laws of nature before their junior year.

Two UCPD officers voluntarily refrained from using pepper spray while apprehending a shoplifting suspect last Friday. Citing recent public disapproval of the spray, which can cause a painful burning sensation in the eyes and throat, the officers opted to use their .38 caliber service revolvers to restrain the suspect until backup could arrive. "There was no need to use pepper spray in this confrontation.

Several members of the Berkeley astronomy department released compelling evidence that Freshman Denise Watkins is expanding at an ever-increasing rate. "The latest red shift data clearly shows that Denise has exceeded what we like to call the 'Freshman 15' threshold," said Astronomer Professor Alexi Filippenko. "We expect this growth to continue indefinitely." This contradicts the theory of Watkins' roommate, who claims that Watkins is merely oscillating in size and will eventually contract back to her original state.

The Berkeley Police Department has announced that there is a serial pillager on the loose in the Southside area. Victims say the pillager "rides a horse," is "about 6'4", dirty, with a long, heavy sword and big boots," and resembles "a Viking." An officer said that the serial pillager has not been apprehended, and that students should immediately call 911 if they see any suspicious characters riding on horseback with sword in hand.